Why do I avoid spiritual practice even when it feels good?

Q: Though I've only just been testing the waters over the last year or so with a formal practice, it can be very fruitful. Often when I sit down to speak with God, within moments, my heart is burst open and I'm crying because I feel her presence - both subtle and obvious somehow. My experience of practice is *generally* connective and moving, and yet I still find myself resisting it. I look over at my altar with a kind of guilty avoidance (though I never feel that she is judging me) and I can end up going a week or two without sitting, making offerings, praying etc... All the while, feeling that I really ''should'', and using my avoidance as proof that I'll never make any progress or get closer to God. From a healthy distance, I find this avoidance interesting and confusing, and I bet it's common. Why might we avoid practice when we know it's for our greatest good? Why might we find ourselves treating it like a chore, when during the practice our experience is (generally) positive? Thank you, sorry for the lengthy intro!

A: The part of your question that really stands out to me is this:

"All the while, feeling that I really 'should,' and using my avoidance as proof that I'll never make any progress or get closer to God."

Right there, you’ve already given yourself a major area of exploration—something to get curious about. When I read that sentence, I see two things that might be worth unpacking.

1. your underlying beliefs

There might be some conditioning at play around discipline—specifically, negative narratives about it. I don’t know your personal background, but if you grew up in an environment where you were expected to be a certain way, where doing things the “right” way was heavily emphasized (whether through culture, parents, or school), that conditioning can creep into spiritual practice.

Sometimes, our resistance to practice has less to do with the practice itself and more to do with our past experiences of being told what we "should" do. If discipline has ever felt like an obligation imposed by others, it makes sense that even something deeply meaningful—like connecting with God—might trigger a subtle rebellion.

And then there’s this belief embedded in your question: “My avoidance is proof that I’ll never make progress.”

That’s a big one. Avoidance, in itself, is neutral. But if you’re seeing it as evidence of spiritual failure, that’s a belief worth examining. Instead of trying to immediately “fix” the behavior, just notice it:

"Oh, I’m feeling resistance right now. That’s interesting. Why?"

Bringing awareness to it—not forcing it to change—creates space for something new to emerge.

2. the ego loves resistance

The ego is so good at stopping us from practicing. It’s slippery. It’s funny. It gets FOMO. It notices that your spiritual practice is deeply connective—moments where you feel cracked open, where you lose yourself in the presence of God. And because the ego thrives on separation, it resists. It whispers, “Oh, we don’t want to do that.”

That weird feeling of resistance? Despite your awareness that the practice FEELS GOOD?

That’s just the ego doing its job.

And it’s not some nefarious force working against you—it’s just… operating.

There’s a scene in the Pixar movie Soul that captures this. There’s an Australian archivist meticulously keeping track of souls, just doing his job, not realizing the bigger picture of what he’s part of. That’s kind of how the ego functions. It’s just maintaining the illusion of separation because that’s just what it does.

So when resistance shows up, you don’t have to fight it. Just notice it.

"Oh, my ego is creating resistance. That’s interesting."

Noticing it without judgment loosens its grip.

final note: don't be afraid to hack your discipline

If you want to take discipline seriously, you can also hack it. There are so many ways to make practice more inviting.

One thing I did recently: every time I placed a flower on my altar, I threaded it onto a garland the next day. Over time, I watched this beautiful garland grow, and it gave me a little dopamine hit—making me want to continue.

Discipline isn’t about forcing yourself to do something.

It’s about remembering what you want.

And if what you want is that connection with Ma, with God—if you want that feeling more than you want the avoidance—then you’ll keep returning to practice. Not because you “should,” but because not connecting becomes unbearable.

That’s what I’d offer you to sit with.

Patreon resources:

My course THE EGO 101 can help to contextualize this experience

and also SPIRITUAL DISCIPLINE 101 for hacking your discipline

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