Why do I feel resistance/apathy when I meditate?

Q: Whenever I meditate and feel closer to an awareness of God, something the feels like embarrassment or apathy pulls me away. Pushing through this feeling is challenging and has been causing me to avoid meditation. Maybe this has something to do with being raised an atheist? Any thoughts on why this might be happening?

A: The feeling you’re describing—whether it feels like embarrassment, apathy, or something else—sounds like a natural form of resistance.

Your consciousness approaches something unfamiliar, or something that operates outside your acceptable worldview, so it naturally resists this by throwing up feelings of embarrassment and apathy.

Resistance is almost always a protective mechanism. But sometimes it's also like Agent Smith: the guardian of the matrix whose sole job it is to keep you feeling small, limited, and firmly in your place.

Resistance can also come up when we're approaching something tender or profound. One of the points of meditation is to illuminate parts of ourselves (and our Consciousness) that we haven't fully understood or embraced yet.

So, it's not usual for these feelings (apathy, embarrassment) to arise -- it's your conditioned response to aspects of reality that you were taught either "don't exist" or "don't matter."

Perhaps if you were raised in an atheist household, you were taught that concepts like God or spirituality are to be dismissed or even ridiculed.

If you're a "believer" you're delusional or need psychiatric evaluation.

These beliefs can go tremendously deep and bar people from even recognizing the Divinity that dwells within their own pulse. 🩸

And of course, your non-believing parents were likely trying to raise you to the best of their ability; to honor logic, rationalism, science, etc. All good things.

So forgiving them might need to be part of your path as well...

Either way, here’s the key: this resistance might feel like a roadblock, when it’s actually a doorway.

It’s inviting you to meet this part of yourself with compassion instead of force.

Instead of trying to push through or fight the feeling, what if you approached it with curiosity?

When the resistance arises, ask it gently: “What are you here to teach me? What are you protecting?”

Resistance is ALWAYS asking for dialogue. It's might look like a wall, but it's actually a table. Sit down at the table and speak with resistance. It wants you to talk to it.

You might find that this feeling is simply a younger version of yourself, unsure of how to relate to something as vast and mysterious as God. It might need reassurance that it’s safe to explore this connection, without judgment or expectation.

Meditation doesn’t have to look perfect to be meaningful. Even sitting with your resistance is a valuable effort—a practice of being present with exactly what’s true for you in the moment.

Over time, this gentle curiosity can help dissolve the barriers and make space for a deeper intimacy with your own Divine awareness. And that's another thing... what even IS GOD to you? What if it isn't someTHING; but rather your own capacity to be AWARE of ANYTHING in the first place? Think on that... ;)

It’s okay to move slowly. Spiritual growth isn’t a race. It’s a relationship you nurture throughout your life. And just like any relationship, it grows best with patience, love, and trust.

If you ever want to troubleshoot this in-depth, my books are open to you.

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